BLUE VELVET is not about Roy Orbinson

UNADVISABLE
This review is from: BLUE VELVET (Special Edition) (DVD)
I thought I was going to see something of Roy Orbinson. It was only in the title of the name. I could not watch it when it became vulgar with offensive material. It is too bad to have a good story with great actors lowering its potentially good quality with such degrading vulgarity. There are better ways of getting this aspect of the story across with such depiction. Silly me, I should have checked the rating. I "assumed" it safe as it would involve our beloved Roy Orbinson. I was sadly and horridly disappointed and cannot in conscience recommend it to anyone at anytime. By the way, I destroyed the tape in good conscience. Watch at your own eternal risk.

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
Okay, so the woman got Roy Orbison and Bobby Vinton mixed up, that can happen. I still see her point. The same thing happened to me in 1986 when I went to the theater to see what I ASSUMED was a documentary about the Psychendelic Furns.

The Pennsylvania lady who wrote this review turns out (via her other Amazon reviews) to be a very Catholic woman who felt THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST "is a best movie ever, due to its very nature of the truth and its pure and holy presentation. It is the most important movie, consequently. It behooves us to rate it a "five-star" and a grace to whom does it. God bless you. Thank you." She is not, however, a fan of Sally Hansen White Nail Pencils. Or David Lynch.

BLACK CHRISTMAS: "Halloween is the first slasher not this slasher"

HALLOWEEN IS THE FIRST SLASHER NOT THIS SLASHER
This review is from: Black Christmas (DVD)
Halloween is the verry first slasher this movie is terrible now i know you are going to stop readind and press no but just listen to me for you people that say halloween owes alot to this movie you can kiss my ass halloween is an original masterpiece that started slashers and the only movie halloween owes to is hitchcock films because john carpenter used hitchcock techniuqes and as soon as halloween came out a million imatators came out no one even knows about this trash and for you people that say the killer in this movie is diffrent than michel myers and jason HOW DARE YOU compare michal to jason and michael is a force of naature this guy is just a wack job.the pov scene in halloween came from china town but other than that halloween was an idea fom irbin yablons who asked john to direct it halloween is the very first slasher and dose not owe sh*t to this trash and was a completley original story it did not copy it got coppied halloween is the absolute verry first slasher that 95% of horror and thrillers you see now a days owe it to halloween not this trash it is not even a slasher halloween is the very first slasher and that is a fact.

POSTED on AMAZON.COM, March 2005

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:

Wow, this guy is pretty passionate about his favorite film, and apparently subscribes to the theory that time is not linear, hence HALLOWEEN is the very first slasher and that is a fact.

Green Lantern post-credits scene: "Fite the green"

There's probably no more depressing repository of ignorance and stupidity than YouTube. No doubt that's because the postings are by people who use the internet to watch more Tee-Vee than do that thing, oh, what's it called... you know, the brain thing with the words.... READING. That's it!

The following are just a few posts that followed a video of the post-credits sequence from GREEN LANTERN (so few people saw it, even fewer sat through the end credits) that teased Sinestro embracing the power of the Yellow ring.

MrMicropimpin' notes:

on the second one is gonna b dope cuz thats wen we gonna c sinestro fite the green l but he doesnt hav fear so y does it work on him n wat wud happen if he had both on wat wud his suit look lik n him

to which whoregay responds:

@MrMicropimpin Yes. "Fite". Jesus, I wonder what part of the fucking cell block your father was from.

Ohhh, MrMicropimpin' didn't like that:

@whoregay y u gotta start some shit over the net u fucking bitch i bet u wudnt say that to my face cuz i wud "fight" u n woop ur ass u fag n my dad wasnt part of no cell block but i bet u were matter of fact u were in every cell block every cell giving the guy inmates some oral pleasure wit a youtube name whoregay u must of enjoy sucking dick n getting fuck in the ass in prison u faggett ass nigga, get the fuck outta here u big quir

MrMicropimpin' continues his onslaught against another YouTube naysayer who questions his sexuality and grammar skills (or should I say skillz):

u no for a loser who stays on youtube beating his 1cm dick wit tweezers to gay porn (yo mom told me wen i fucked her) wud reply quicker but wat u expect from someone who eats dick for a living n i think i wont go back to the second grade but u need to go back to kindergarten to b taught on how to suck dick cuz didnt u go to a fag school but thats only if u tyrnna b a pro in the sucking dick gay boy business lik yo mom is at suckin me n my potnas dick cuz i got that hoe on a leash

Somewhat more on topic, Danzinnyman notes:

HOLLY SHIT i did not see that when i saw the movie cuz i went with a chick so she wanted to like not stay till after the credits thats awesome that there gonna do sinestro corps ....so i wonder if there going to have like kyle rayner, guy gardner, ion spectre john stewart and the blue ring like when hal jordan goes green and blue lanter style

nickb comments, with an unsurprising lack of self-awareness:

And learn to type with some fucking grammer....Jesus people

axayd doesn't seem to grasp how these movies are made:

hopefully they wont use too many special effects innn the sequel... i mean, why would u want to do special effects on the earths sky and make it look pink?

And, finally (I wish), rgarcia99 sums up most posters' feelings with this haiku:

its gonna be gay green lantern sucks dick the movie a part 2 rather reboot

POSTED on YouTube, July-August 2011

PULP FICTION: "This movie was no 'The Prince and Me"!"

This Movie was no "The Prince and Me"!
This review is from: Pulp Fiction (Two-Disc Collector's Edition) (DVD)

This movie was alright, but it would have been alot better with Julia Stiles! The Prince and Me was much better.

POSTED on AMAZON.COM, September 2004

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
I'm sure that as this blog evolves, there will be a few times where we get taken in by gag reviews or board posts, and this may be one of them. The author, "Julia Stiles Fan" from Houston TX only has two reviews on Amazon: This one and, three guesses, THE PRINCE AND ME. I like to think that not only is this review the real deal, but that this guy (and it is a guy) has only ever seen these two movies.

THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL: "This is the worst movie ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

This is the worst movie ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This review is from: The Boys From Brazil (DVD)

I watched this movie in school, and I hated it!!! First of all, there's so many disgusting pictures, like naked people! (ewwww...) Towards the end of the movie, there's a part where two men fights against each other. One of them bit the other one's ear! Then there's three dogs biting a person until the person is died... I am totally grossed out!!!!!!!!!! I've watched another movie called Charlie. While I was watching it, I fell asleep. It was bored to death. I've never fell asleep while watching a movie before, so I thought this will be the worst movie. But not anymore! The Boy From Brazil is the worst movie now! It sucked! I don't ever want to watch it ever AGAIN!!!!!!!
POSTED on AMAZON.COM, November 2004

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
Ew, naked people. I'm wondering what school showed this movie and in what class? Civics? American History? German?

MICHAEL CLAYTON: "Without Rooney this would have been straight to DVD"

1.0 out of 5 stars A Very Boring Film
This review is from: Michael Clayton (Widescreen Edition) (DVD)
In truth this movie could have told the story in 30 minutes there is really so little to tell!! George Rooney walks through it like he is half asleep and the story ( for what it's worth) took so long to unfold I had trouble staying awake myself. Tilda Swinton should receive an award for over-acting. It was so boring I really did'nt care what happened to the leading characters long before the end! The only action I remember was the car exploding but there is lots and lots of dialogue. Without Rooney this would have been straight to DVD.
Posted on Amazon.com, March 2008

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
You know, this guy's right, this really wasn't George Rooney's best performance. And there's all that talking. YAY, CAR BLOWED UP! Oh, damn, more talking... I liked Rooney better when he was on E.C.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

I’m a human being so I was appalled at the anti-human spectacle of this movie. I’m sorry, but the “goddamned dirty apes” were bad guys—from Caesar on down--and a serious threat to human society, so I wasn’t going to root for them. It would be like rooting for the aliens in WAR OF THE WORLDS or INDEPENDENCE DAY. Or the giant ants in THEM! Or a World War II movie in which the Nazis win and the audience is expected to cheer them on. Alas, I can hear you say, but the ape monsters were created by humans, so didn’t the humans deserve their comeuppance? Well, that’s like making the case in that hypothetical pro-Nazi movie that the Germans were so screwed by the Treaty of Versailles after WWI that the rise of Nazism was inevitable. Sure, that’s a valid argument, but does it mean we shouldn’t have fought them? Does it justify the Holocaust? Fortunately for 20th Century Fox, there are enough self-hating humans in the audience to have made RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES a big hit.

Posted on Mobius Home Video Forum on August 12, 2011

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
I'm not sure how seriously to take this. I'm willing to grant that it is satiric, faux outrage: it was posted by a "Brian Camp" after all. But even so...why does everything have to come back to Nazis? Isn't there any other symbol or metaphor for bad things? Are Nazis all we have left?

At this point, using the Third Reich as a point of comparison is like yelling "Freebird!" at a concert.

PSYCHO: "a cross dresser kills"

a cross dresser kills, October 18, 2004
This review is from: Psycho
this is so stupid i could puke!a movie based on the exploits of ed gaines.hes also the inspiration for red dragon and some other silence of the lambs.hes the guy in texas chainsaw massacre.norman bates is only created from ed.norman runs this hotel and kills whoever comes there.his dead mom is in his head encouraging him all the way.he thinks hes a chick and even dresses up like one to kill.not for the kids unless youd like them to have aids.cross dressing and prison can both point you in the right direction if thats something youre interested in.im not.f!2k that!its obviously a horror film.in fact,theres the famous shower scene where he hacks this chick up in a shower.dont get your hopes up,theres no nudity,only a silloutte of the 2 bodies and tiny little spatter of blood.it was the most violent scene in the world at the time.theres a quote that kind of got some recognition.morman says"we all go a little crazy sometimes".thats scary to think about.theres plenty of sequels.the last one i saw showed norman as a child abuse victim as a kid.it just doesnt get any better does it?it is considered by many[not me i think it sucks]to be the greatest horror film ever.well,i can name many way better ones like childs play,a nightmare on elm st,friday the 13th,halloween,hellraiser,the all time greatest-the shining-truckloads of zombie movies.........it just sucks.(...)
POSTED on AMAZON.COM, October 2004

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
My favorite comment: "not for the kids unless youd like them to have aids." Remember, AIDS can only be transferred by the exchange of bodily fluids or watching old Alfred Hitchcock films! Also, it was a total drag that you couldn't see Marion's boobies in the shower scene. What a rip off.