louis r. warns, "You are not diesel like me"

I sometimes post reviews on YELP.com and after voicing my thoughts on Hoboken's new Pilsener Haus and Biergarten (you must go), I checked out some of the other reviews and came across one by a charmer named "louis r," who seems to be a rather immodest fellow with a lot of money, a decent physique and precious little humility. Here's his pithy take on the Pilsener Haus:

Hit it hard with mah 'boken yuppie squad.
Once you get past the long-as-fuck line to get in...this spot is shit-you-not, dope.
Wide beer selection (I killed it with pitchers of Palm)...although the prices are a bit higher than other spots. $13 for a liter vs $10 at Zep Hall
The amount of interior space and the authentic decor is commendable.
If you want to meet girls...like lots of cute, drunk-as-shit, hotties...get your out-of-shape ugly ass on line, cause I'm already up in here filling my cell phone up with digits.
Jus sayin.

Intrigued, I decided to check out some of Louis' other reviews. Of the clothing store AllSaints Spitalfields, he so charmingly advises:

This store is way calmer than the one on Broadway and the peeps are way better looking. But certain tenets still apply:
Don't shop here.
You are not diesel like me so the clothes won't fit ya.
You don't have a cabbage roll that would choke a hippo like me to afford the couture that this place has.
Turn around and walk swiftly back to the Gap, BR, Old Navy, JCrew, I think they are having a sale or something.
Nope, don't even look at it.

After visiting the East Village dive, the Library, Lucky Louie wrote:

I was rockin black on black, so obviously, this was the eventual spot to hit up.
Fuckin no let down. A straight hour of New Order and Joy Division tracks were pumpin.
Kickin it with inked-up chicks who mess with graffiti/murals...well, let's say its not for everyone.
I'm looking right at you, you dirty yuppies.

There were more... 430 more reviews, to be precise, but I have a limit to how much douchebaggery I can take in one sitting. Search out this charming chap on Yelp if you have more patience than I.

Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!!

I discovered this gem via Michael McKean's Twitter feed, and it's too good to be true. But I think it's true. This is not an Amazon review, it's the author's own description and bio for this self-published 648-page tome (which, at the time of this posting, was marked down to $130.98 from $150.00, so stock up for the holidays!). With no further adieu, I do present the listing for Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!! by Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson!

Product Description
THIS IS A HOLYSPIRIT MANUSCRIPT BOOK: WHEN YOU BUY THIS BOOK YOU WILL BE READING A HOLYSPIRIT DIRECTED BOOK FROM GOD; & *CHRIST JESUS. THIS BOOK IS GODS HOLYSPIRIT VOICE: THE CALL FOR ALL CHRISTIANS & CHURCHES TO REPENT FROM ALL THEIR SINS: EVEN FROM FALSE CHRIST TEACHINGS. BIRTH CONTROL SINS HAVE CURSE THE CHURCH WITH SPIRITUAL WHOREDOM & FALSE WORSHIP. RESULTING IN THE PERSECUTIONS: AGAINST THE HOLY PEOPLE. THIS BOOK MAY BE REVISED: BECAUSE OF COMPUTER DICTATORS: MANY WORDS IN THIS BOOK: MADE HAVE BEEN CHANGED: TO>>DISCREDIT: THE AUTHOR. BUT IN TRUTH: I AM A HOLYSPIRIT CHOSEN ANOINTED DISCIPLE FOR GOD & CHRIST JESUS. EVEN FOR JEWS, MUSLIMS & GENTILE SINNERS. MANY PEOPLE WILL LEARN HOW TO> BECOME REAL BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN: THROUGH THIS HOLYSPIRIT BOOK & THROUGH THE PROTECTION & SUPPORT OF MY HOLYSPIRIT LIFE!! JOHN 3 & 15. ALL NATIONS WILL OVER COME THE SINS OF BIRTH CONTROL. *BECAUSE HOLY DOMINIONSHIP IS ONE OF THE FIRST COMMANDMENT IN GENESIS 1;26-31. ALL BELIEVERS: WILL COME TO A HOLY VOW OF REPENTANCE: THROUGH GODS RESTORATION & THROUGH GODS ADOPTION VOWS. YES!! THE KINGDOM OF GOD & HEAVEN!! IS AT HAND!! FOR ALL WHO BELIEVE IN THE ONE CREATOR GOD & CHRIST JESUS OUR HOLYSPIRIT ETERNAL LIFE SAVIOR: SURELY YOUR NAMES WILL BE WRITTEN IN THE LAMBS BOOK OF LIFE!! *WHEN YOU SUPPORT & PROTECT MY HOLYSPIRIT LIFE. WE ARE BRANCHES >JOHN 15 MY WEBSITE: http://groups.msn.com/ChristianPowerHealthProsperityAndSoul REMEMBER: GOD HAS MADE ME A HOLYSPIRIT VOICE FOR THE BRIDE OF GOD & CHRIST JESUS IN 1996 GOD TOLD ME TO TEACH THE GOSPEL ON CABLE TELEVISION IN TUCSON ARIZONA. *CONCERNING THE SINS OF THE CHURCHES: & CONCERNING THE>LACK OF GIVING TO THE POOR & ORPHANS: CHRISTIAN CHURCHES SHOULD: BUILD MORE:> WATER WELLS: & BUILD LOW INCOME HOUSINGS: MATTHEW 25 & ISAIAH 61

About the Author
MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG IS A CHRISTIAN EVANGELIST SPEAKER: AND A CHRISTIAN HOLY BIBLE WRITER/TEACHER: CHOSEN AND CALLED BY THE HOLYSPIRIT GOD: MS. ELIYZABETH STARTED TWO CHRISTIAN CABLE TELEVISION PRODUCTIONS IN 1996: CALLED: CHRISTIAN POWER! HEALTH PROSPERITY AND SOUL!! AND > ALSO A: > TEENAGER AND KIDS TELEVISION PRODUCTION CALLED:> CHILDREN RAISED IN THE LOVE OF JESUS. *SHE ALSO STARTED A CHRISTIAN BASE MILITARY CHRISTIAN BOOKSTORES AND MALL CART BUSINESS DURING IN 1991. ALL THREE CHRISTIAN MINISTRIES ARE > NOW ONLINE CHRISTIAN WEBSITES UNDER THE NAMES: http://christianpowerbookstores.spreadtheword.com/ ** http://group.msn.com/ChristianPowerHealthProsperityAndSoul ALSO>http://groups.msn.com/ChildrenRaisedInTheLoveOfJesus *MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG: ALSO HAS A 1ST DEGREE BLACK BELT IN TAEJUKENPO KARATE: SHE STARTED A KIDS & TEEN: KARATE MEMBERSHIP & TV CLUB: CALLED: KARATE PLAY: IN 1996-2000: SHE IS NOW: STARTING: RECREATION CITY KARATE CLASSES IN TUCSON ARIZONA: WITH GOALS TO OFFER PRIVATE MEMBERSHIP KARATE CLUB CLASSES. MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON: ALSO PETITION FOR THE MAYOR SEAT IN TUCSON ARIZONA IN 1998. BECAUSE OF ORGANIZED CRIMES, POLICTICAL RACISM AND CHRISTIAN PERSECUTION AGAINST ELIYZABETH: HOLYSPIRIT EVANGELIST LIFE: IN THE PAST 10 YEARS: GOD HAS DIRECTED MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON: TO WRITE THIS BOOK OF REMEMBRANCE, AND THIS BOOK OF REPENTANCE: TO HELP SAVE THE WORLD: THROUGH GOD AND CHRIST JESUS: IF YOU BELEIVE: YOU CAN RECIEVE JOHN 3:3-16. *REMEMBERING: MATTHEW 4:17-26: JESUS SAID: REPENT! THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND: **COME AND FOLLOW ME: AND I WILL MAKE YOU FISHERS OF MEN!! MY FIRST CHRISTIAN BOOK IS DIRECTED BY GOD: AND THE TRUE CALL TO ETERNAL LIFE SALVATION IS IN IT: GIVEN TO ME FROM: EMMANUEL CHRIST JESUS: > JESUS SAID: JOHN 14:15-16 If ye love me, keep my commandments.

Green Lantern post-credits scene: "Fite the green"

There's probably no more depressing repository of ignorance and stupidity than YouTube. No doubt that's because the postings are by people who use the internet to watch more Tee-Vee than do that thing, oh, what's it called... you know, the brain thing with the words.... READING. That's it!

The following are just a few posts that followed a video of the post-credits sequence from GREEN LANTERN (so few people saw it, even fewer sat through the end credits) that teased Sinestro embracing the power of the Yellow ring.

MrMicropimpin' notes:

on the second one is gonna b dope cuz thats wen we gonna c sinestro fite the green l but he doesnt hav fear so y does it work on him n wat wud happen if he had both on wat wud his suit look lik n him

to which whoregay responds:

@MrMicropimpin Yes. "Fite". Jesus, I wonder what part of the fucking cell block your father was from.

Ohhh, MrMicropimpin' didn't like that:

@whoregay y u gotta start some shit over the net u fucking bitch i bet u wudnt say that to my face cuz i wud "fight" u n woop ur ass u fag n my dad wasnt part of no cell block but i bet u were matter of fact u were in every cell block every cell giving the guy inmates some oral pleasure wit a youtube name whoregay u must of enjoy sucking dick n getting fuck in the ass in prison u faggett ass nigga, get the fuck outta here u big quir

MrMicropimpin' continues his onslaught against another YouTube naysayer who questions his sexuality and grammar skills (or should I say skillz):

u no for a loser who stays on youtube beating his 1cm dick wit tweezers to gay porn (yo mom told me wen i fucked her) wud reply quicker but wat u expect from someone who eats dick for a living n i think i wont go back to the second grade but u need to go back to kindergarten to b taught on how to suck dick cuz didnt u go to a fag school but thats only if u tyrnna b a pro in the sucking dick gay boy business lik yo mom is at suckin me n my potnas dick cuz i got that hoe on a leash

Somewhat more on topic, Danzinnyman notes:

HOLLY SHIT i did not see that when i saw the movie cuz i went with a chick so she wanted to like not stay till after the credits thats awesome that there gonna do sinestro corps ....so i wonder if there going to have like kyle rayner, guy gardner, ion spectre john stewart and the blue ring like when hal jordan goes green and blue lanter style

nickb comments, with an unsurprising lack of self-awareness:

And learn to type with some fucking grammer....Jesus people

axayd doesn't seem to grasp how these movies are made:

hopefully they wont use too many special effects innn the sequel... i mean, why would u want to do special effects on the earths sky and make it look pink?

And, finally (I wish), rgarcia99 sums up most posters' feelings with this haiku:

its gonna be gay green lantern sucks dick the movie a part 2 rather reboot

POSTED on YouTube, July-August 2011

Something Happened: "i have to do a book report"

These reviews are for Something Happened by Joseph Heller

for those of you out there who have read this book, i would like to say doing a 10 page comparison of this book and Catch 22 is the most annoying thing...ever. Tip for those of you in Mrs. Jens class do not pick these books, the only information you will find is on Catch 22.
Posted on Amazon, February 13, 2005

A reader named Porkchop added:
I have nothing but sympathy for anyone who had to do this English assignment. I have a degree in English, love both books beyond reason, and would never go NEAR that assignment.
Posted on Amazon, February 20, 2008

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
At first I thought this was a plea for help, a con to get someone to do his assignment for him. But now I realize that it's like the warning of a dying man: "Don't do as I've done. It's not worth it. Please learn from my mistakes."

Something Happened is a dense, repetitive, and deliberately monotonous novel. There's a reason you won't find much information about it. The teacher really should have warned the kid when they took on the assignment.

Bullet-Proof Logic

An item on Deadline.com about the impending movie adaptation of ultra-conservative thriller writer Brad Thor's book The Athena Project spurred comments both pro and con, but this reply regarding one poster's negative remarks struck me as VP-worthy (that's Vox Plops, not vice president):

People like you always make me laugh if he is such a bad writer then why are they making a movie about his book? And why is everyone of his books bestsellers? I mean it seems to me you are just a mad liberal who needs to get over it your political views are now in the minority so get over it. Brad Thor is a great writer and I’ve read every book he’s wrote and pray to god he writes more. So this is my plea…GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
Yes, because everyone knows popular equals good (just as foolproof a metric as unpopular equals bad). Still, I love the passion (if not punctuation).

PULP FICTION: "This movie was no 'The Prince and Me"!"

This Movie was no "The Prince and Me"!
This review is from: Pulp Fiction (Two-Disc Collector's Edition) (DVD)

This movie was alright, but it would have been alot better with Julia Stiles! The Prince and Me was much better.

POSTED on AMAZON.COM, September 2004

VOX PLOPS COMMENTS:
I'm sure that as this blog evolves, there will be a few times where we get taken in by gag reviews or board posts, and this may be one of them. The author, "Julia Stiles Fan" from Houston TX only has two reviews on Amazon: This one and, three guesses, THE PRINCE AND ME. I like to think that not only is this review the real deal, but that this guy (and it is a guy) has only ever seen these two movies.

The hell kind of crate is a "democrate"?

The bold and ubiquitous "anonymous" had this to say after an item regarding Rick "Secessionist for Prez" Perry (posted August 15, 2011 on the blog Down with Tyranny):

Most consertive in the state of Texas remember that Perry was a democrate, he only moved when the democrate party could no longer lie enough to elect rural canidates to any state wide office or local office. But make no mistake about it Perry has the old south democrate genes.

He is big govt when he wants to be,and small govt anyother time.

But his roots are in the democrate party, his roots are in the democrate party his roots are in the democrate party.

Please know that his roots are in the democrate party.

I'm sorry, where are his roots, again?