Monday, August 22, 2011

louis r. warns, "You are not diesel like me"

I sometimes post reviews on and after voicing my thoughts on Hoboken's new Pilsener Haus and Biergarten (you must go), I checked out some of the other reviews and came across one by a charmer named "louis r," who seems to be a rather immodest fellow with a lot of money, a decent physique and precious little humility. Here's his pithy take on the Pilsener Haus:

Hit it hard with mah 'boken yuppie squad.
Once you get past the long-as-fuck line to get in...this spot is shit-you-not, dope.
Wide beer selection (I killed it with pitchers of Palm)...although the prices are a bit higher than other spots. $13 for a liter vs $10 at Zep Hall
The amount of interior space and the authentic decor is commendable.
If you want to meet lots of cute, drunk-as-shit, hotties...get your out-of-shape ugly ass on line, cause I'm already up in here filling my cell phone up with digits.
Jus sayin.

Intrigued, I decided to check out some of Louis' other reviews. Of the clothing store AllSaints Spitalfields, he so charmingly advises:

This store is way calmer than the one on Broadway and the peeps are way better looking. But certain tenets still apply:
Don't shop here.
You are not diesel like me so the clothes won't fit ya.
You don't have a cabbage roll that would choke a hippo like me to afford the couture that this place has.
Turn around and walk swiftly back to the Gap, BR, Old Navy, JCrew, I think they are having a sale or something.
Nope, don't even look at it.

After visiting the East Village dive, the Library, Lucky Louie wrote:

I was rockin black on black, so obviously, this was the eventual spot to hit up.
Fuckin no let down. A straight hour of New Order and Joy Division tracks were pumpin.
Kickin it with inked-up chicks who mess with graffiti/murals...well, let's say its not for everyone.
I'm looking right at you, you dirty yuppies.

There were more... 430 more reviews, to be precise, but I have a limit to how much douchebaggery I can take in one sitting. Search out this charming chap on Yelp if you have more patience than I.


  1. Funny thing is, I did check out a bunch of his other reviews and he grew on me. He's an enthusiast and a booster and it was kind of all right to see so much positivity. Plus, I can't tell if he's being ironic with the self-aggrandizement. He doesn't seem to be a dummy, anyway. Maybe I'm just in a rare charitable mood.

  2. I wonder if this is satire, if he's humorously aping the voice of a typical Jersey meathead.

  3. I wonder if he's going to figure out who you are and have a couple of his mob buddies help you sleep with the fishes.

  4. I do not sense satire. I sense narcissism.

  5. Hmm... I kind of like this guy.

    "Fuckin no let down. A straight hour of New Order and Joy Division tracks were pumpin."

    He's a gem in my book!